There are ways to control or even change the behavior of your child, but there’s one way that is sure to fail – retelling your child not to do something. After that sinks in, you need to think back and calculate how many times in the past month you have said to your child, perhaps with your voice raised: “Don’t do that”.

You have certainly noticed that young children especially seem hell-bent on doing exactly what you have just – perhaps forcibly – told them not to do. The child s not being perverse, and is not trying to annoy you – though has undoubtedly succeeded in doing so. It’s just that the human brain is not geared to handle the word ‘not’. So although you have said do not do that, the child’s brain processes that as ‘do that’. So s/he dares, and gets very confused when you get angry, and sometime resorts to blows.

Actually, you have probably experienced this for yourself in your own adult life. Can you remember telling yourself to be careful not to do something – then doing it! It may be something straightforward like not spilling coffee from a cup you have overfilled – then spilling it. It may be a situation relating to your child, where you tell yourself before taking them to task over something, not to raise your voice or lose your temper. Then – hold and behold – you shout and lose your temper…

The same may well happen at work too. You remind yourself you must not forget to do something, and then you completely and utterly forget.

A very interesting recent book was written about this called Performance Intelligence. You can read about it on our companion blog newbizideas4u.com. The main author, who by profession is a sports psychologist, notes that there is a significant difference between playing to win and playing not to lose, which can apply to a golf ball as well as a sporting meet.

Since you have been married, you may be wondering what on earth the fairy story writers were talking about!

How many people do you know – including yourselves – who live happily ever after?

But let’s not be cynical. One of the reasons we get married is to have children, right? But even that does not necessarily lead to living happily ever after, does it? In fact, it is likely that if you are a ‘normal parent’ living a ‘normal life’ – mortgage, medical bills, school fees, having to deliver and collect children from school, tuition classes, sports etc, etc, – and trying to hold down a job – overtime, home late, missing birthday parties, etc etc – you may begin to wonder whether it is all worth it. Problems with time, problems with money, sex life not being like it was… … You know the feeling I am sure.

It has always seemed strange to me that we don’t really prepare ourselves properly to get married, and we certainly don’t get properly prepared for becoming a parent, which is not an easy role.

In fact part of the problem is that it is not a role. It is in fact four roles, each of which needs to be performed effectively if you are to be a good parent and produce and develop good kids.

Four roles?? No wonder it’s tough being a parent!!

What are they?

First you have to be an educator. Hang on, you say, education is the school’s job. Yes and no. The three R’s = reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic may be the school’s job, but the education of your children is much too important to be left to teachers.

Then you have to be an authority. Now that’s an easier role you may think. That’s what canes were invented for!  Again, yes and no. They can be useful sometimes, but that’s not really all that authority is about.

Then you have to be a counsellor. You can’t counsel with a cane. Counselling is a communication skill, not a contact sport. And communication involves listening as well as talking, and it rarely includes ordering. It also involves time, and heaven knows, you’ve already got too little of that!

And finally, you need to be a guide. Although kids, as they grow older, claim they know what they are doing and where they are going, they don’t really. And you will be well aware that in a number of cases, what they want to do, and where they want to go is not exactly what you would like them to do and where you would like them to go.

If any of the above rings bells for you, then keep checked in to this blog. Over the next little while, we shall explore each of these roles in more depth.