Every year, family members scramble to find a great Father’s Day or birthday gift for the men in their lives. Why not give him the gift that keeps on giving him a fighting chance: Safe answers to the question, “Do I look fat?”

fat father

Anyone involved with a woman longer than a week knows the explosive power packed into this loaded question. Women wiggle around what they really want to hear leaving their men confused, helplessly hunkering down for the big boom set off by placing naive honesty in close contact with volatile compounds like estrogen and progesterone.

When a female asks that question, she wants assurance. Perhaps she’s feeling frumpy and wants her man to reaffirm how he feels about her, or she knows she looks hot and just wants him to behave like he did back in the day. The reason is of little consequence. Her man’s response is not.

Presentation and variety are important so feel free to mix items up. Do not however, use only items from any one column alone. Safe answers require both Ying and Yang.

(*NOTE: adjective + feature means items like sparkling eyes, beautiful smile, fabulous hair, full pouting lips, shapely legs, cute button nose, long sexy arms, graceful neck, beautiful hands, etc.)

If you choose to veer off this path of enlightened answers, a few words to the wise:

With an honest approach, remember that actions speak louder than words. For example, if you reply, “Gee honey. I like a little meat on the bone,” do not ogle a trim woman within the next 24 hours. This casts more than a shadow of doubt on your preference for women of substance, and will be interpreted as an affirmative answer to the big fat question.

Diversionary answers like “Your dress looks beautiful” work with some lightweights. The experienced will pick up on the item being beautiful, not them, which will also be interpreted as an affirmative answer.

Lastly, don’t pretend you didn’t hear her asking. My fourth grade teacher was wrong when she told us, “A closed mouth gathers no feet.” Your silence here will be interpreted as an affirmative answer. You’ll get a mouthful.

So, if you don’t want any affirmative action, stick to the menu selections. If not, something else might be sticking to your ribs.